humble beginnings / the power of letting go

so you can consider this a part II from my last blog, i guess.
warning: i did not proof-read. so any grammatical errors, spelling errors..charge it to the game. thank you for reading

may 10, 2013 @ 8:34 p.m.

i was at my sister's crib (catching up on scandal! ") when my mother texted me informing me that my father had reached out to her in attempts to reach me. she gave me his number and urged me to contact him because "He got his life together now...Y'all have a lot in common, just give him a chance. He's ready to get to know you" (her words quoted verbatim).

a couple of tears dropped, so i closed the text and continued watching scandal.

then my mother called me (of course she did!):

"tida, you got my text?"

"yes ma'am"

"you gone call him?"

"yeah, i guess"

we talk a little more. hang up. then she calls me again:

"do you want me to give him your number?"

"yes, you can do that.."

we a talk a little more. hang up.
so now i'm staring at my phone. and staring some more.

at that very night at 9:11 p.m. i received my first call from my father, Edwin "Rocky" Chappell

he said, "hey Tityana, this is your father. Edwin Chappell. Rocky."

I. DIDN'T. KNOW. WHAT. TO. THINK. OR. HOW. TO. FEEL.......

and the only thing i could say at the moment was

"HI =D"

we talked for almost an hour =)

i told him i love him before we got off the phone that night.

i immediately had to let the world know (via facebook) and i quote:
===> "NO ONE can tell me my God isn't real.. my God is AWESOME and He can move mountains. and i believe this is only the beginning. thank you Jesus."

now to take it a couple months back...in January, i guess you can say i started taking my relationship with God seriously. i did two (or maybe three, i think) intimate sessions with God - one of the focuses (if that's a word lol) was deliverance from not having a father. i was praying that i could love like God loves so that i won't pass judgement.. so that i can forgive just as i am forgiven...i just wanted so badly to love in spite of.. i wanted so badly to let go of loneliness, sadness, depression, pity, anger, frustration, delusion.. the feeling of not being good enough because you don't have a father. the feeling of not deeming anything worthy enough to hold on to because you don't have a dad to hold on to. i would ask friends who had fathers "how does it feel to have a dad?"

i bet they were thinking "how do i answer that question?" because to be honest, we live in a world where we don't know how to feel until something tragic or major happens..or until a holiday comes.. but on a regular day, the blessing should be recognition for you always. and thanks should go to God that He put it on their hearts to keep you, not abort you, give you up for adoption, leave you in a garbage, the list goes on. (my bad, i stepped out of my focus)

the moral to what i'm saying is... all i could do was pray day and night because i realized that God is ALL i have. i went through the state of surrendering..where i just had to give everything to Him because "God, i can't do anything with it. it's hurting me and i don't want to hurt. you said if i seek you and cast my cares on you that you would take care of it. so God take care of it. i believe you to be the the God who reigns supreme, the King of Kings..."

from January to May...the change God made in me..i am so humble to and so thankful for because i'm nothing and HE's everything. and it's just that simple.

when i finally let everything go one tuesday night in april and bible study - God placed it on Pastor AD's heart to call those to the alter who were going through family problems..but i didn't go because i was thinking "everything straight with me and mines". my dad didn't cross my mind. while AD was praying..one thing he prayed was that God mend broken relationships.. and i just started crying. the thought hit me that "yeah, i've forgiven my father and i let God do what he needed to do in me but i still had to admit that "God, if it's in your will that you re-unite us, then I'M OKAY WITH THAT". -

that night God told me "you'll be talking to your dad soon"

SIDE NOTE: PLEASE LET GO AND LET GOD

yesterday was father's day...and was the start of an emotional day for me.
but i didn't realize the affect until i got to church and...recognition of father's day was REAL.
before church even began i had to excuse myself from the sanctuary
and tears just started falling
but i acknowledged aloud that i was joyful
i wouldn't allow the enemy to rob me of the joy God had for me
i took a step out of all the things i could be thinking:

1. he hasn't been here all these years. F*** THAT NIGGA
2. why you not mad at Jacinda, she BEEN knew her dad??
3. don't tell your dad happy father's day, call your mom like you been doing for the past twenty years because she deserves it
4. youn righteously feel like worshipping God. might as well just chill in church today. God will understand
5. stay to yourself....isolate yourself

i chose to embrace the gift of JOY of the blessing that GOD gave to me.. and i believe that was to prove to me (not saying God has to prove anything but hear what i'm saying) that "baby, all you had to do was LET GO and let me be God. i do things like this ALLLLL THE TIME!!!"

i gave my dad and my relationship to GOD and told Him that it was His to guide. EVERYTHING IS DUE TO GOD. 

=D

i cried like the first half of service. and i enjoyed praise and worship because i had to lift up God's GREAT name.. my God is AWESOME... my God is indescribable... MY JEHOVAH REIGNS

AD taught on sitting down so that God can be God!

but not only did i sit down..i layed down and allowed God to comfort me.. i layed down and allowed God to be GOD

i love you Jesus.

i worship and adore You.

i just want to tell You..

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING

be blessed!