the title is your perception

this may be a long post.
but i don't know just yet

i've been pondering on posting this since friday (yeah, a freaking week ago. smh)
i was sitting by the pool, as i normally do in the mornings, and writing was so heavy on me
i began to reflect on my talent...and what writing does for me
so i wrote (with revisions):

i'm trying not to think too much about my talent as a writer

i write here and there...mental vibrates with words every now and then

and i be like "that's it?? i wanna write more :/"

each piece i've written, i never thought was enough. like..i always wanna write more

i would write all day if i could, ya know?

i mean. i absolutely LOVE WRITING. i love writing.

the power that resonates through me when it comes to writing is an unexplainable feeling

God has used my writing to reach me and give me my own epiphany (and i really have a poem titled "epiphany" that God gave me as an answer to prayers i sent up to Him)

i've encouraged, boosted self-esteems, i've been an advocate for preventing HIV/AIDS, i've said what others lived in fear of saying...by grabbing a pen.

i've helped someone hold on another day by letting God use me

and i wanna keep writing. people listen.

true, i once mis-used and abused the power that lies in my talent

but i've opened my full self to change.. evolution

and my writing is evolving

i've learned that the closer i get to Christ the deeper i go with surrendering

and the more i learn about myself and my purpose on this earth

tapping into God is tapping into the epitome of me and i want to exalt Him like never before

this vision He's given me, my purpose only i can do

i just have to keep going and keep my mind and heart guarded

my heart is the motivation and my heart loves to speak

i love this

realize how deep your talents run and how far they can and will take you if you just tap into the SOURCE

then i immediately sink into depression after this notebook entry.
it completely stunned me
..and i wanted to strangle a bird, LITERALLY.
i called my church mother and told her "i want to strangle this bird"
i was so confused at how my mood glitched
she told me to channel my writing by focusing on my rage toward the bird
so i began writing...
with her being so concerned, she comes over and we sit by the pool and talk

my poem entry:

a young nigga done created a perfect harmony but now i'm tryna kill the birds,

for lack of better words -

i may just need some sleep.

along with a better foundation that would at least

make this deprivation slightly better.

my routine is getting old .. sort of like a burn out, slipping into worry

depression wearing my soul out..

and i caved like clock work.

the enemy being permitted to pile each attack on my plate,

subconsciously feeling like i ate what my mind thought i was handing over.

once taking pleasure in creation. now wishing it was all over.

a part of me created this harmony where half of me escapes

not fully submitting to my Creator.

realized i'm still tucking life away.

endurance getting weaker so living is the only other logical explanation

but living seems so "out of the question" but i found myself questioning

because i slipped into suffering.

and it isn't a good feeling.

just gotta admit that this God engineering can be quite depressing

if you don't hang tight to what triggers the rejoicing.

every morning waking up mentally refreshing...but

everything is overwhelming.

to be real, sometimes youn be in the mood to chant promises and "greater is ahead"

but i was warned of days like this,

it was foretold in His story.

i just need to take a breather - i'm being tested as a re-newed believer

impatience weighing on me...things seem so heavy

but then i think of Christ carrying His cross and my issues seem so petty.

God is showing His faith and His trust in me as His servant

and it's worth it

cause see, i'm leaning on His unchanging hand.

i'm tapping into my Authority because i refuse to let things get out of hand.

and since i am a Kingdom member,

ima do what the enemy thought i wasn't and step aside

and allow my God to handle the deceiver

(PSALM 42: 5-6]

 

 

i was thinking about my father, my living situation, my past - the list goes on. and everything flooded my brain

so we're sitting by the pool... and the release that i had was the best feeling..i mean the BEST feeling.

it's nothing like having a self vs self conflict for years and never knowing what to believe?

not even wanting to look at yourself sometimes... because the enemy's task of deception is just THAT real

(side note: please, do not underestimate the enemy)

God sent her to lead me to a breakthrough of self-realization of the person that i am and He broke the chains of deception the enemy had over my mind. AMEN!

 

and i celebrated that awakening by "cutting off loose ends" ^___^

 

GOD IS SO MAGNIFICENT...I MEAN. HE'S INDESCRIBABLE.

i really don't know what more there is to be said...

i'm just trying to do me the best i can because there is something stitched within me that is powerful in unique fashion. I AM BORN TO BE A WORSHIPPER AND THAT'S WHAT I'LL BE! no, not a perfect Christian but a worshipping sinner that has accepted Christ's forgiveness and is working to be at the right hand